I stood in my kitchen debating if I’d pour a glass of wine or make some tea that evening when the pictures on my refrigerator caught the side of my right eye…and so I shifted my line of sight and started smiling as I focused in on the first picture.

It was this…a picture of my amazing Mother looking at me, her little baby girl in her arms. She was smiling so big and loving me so perfectly, teaching me what a Mother should be and what it feels like to be loved. And just below it, a simple cut out paper heart that my own beautiful daughter made for me, the red writing so perfectly imperfect. Both of these images made me think of LOVE. The love shared between mother and daughter. The love I still feel every day from my own mother. The love I can only hope my daughter feels from me.

As my gaze drifted, a second picture caught my eye. I immediately felt my shoulders fall and, at first, my smile starting to fade as sadness ran through my body. But then, I began to think about his amazing smile, the light in his eyes, his fantastic fucking laugh, and ALL of the life he lived…and I smiled again. I thought to myself, “Harry, WE are doing this!” as I flashed forward to my Kilimanjaro hike coming up this February with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in honor and memory of him. In one word, the image made me think of IMPACT. The impact Harry had on my life and so many others. The impact that together we are making with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. The impact that this entire journey to summit Kilimanjaro has had on my life and the lives around me.

And then my eyes met this picture…

For whatever reason, I was caught by surprise as I stared at my Nanny on that plane wing. All I could think was “My God…I miss you.” I was caught by surprise by the amount of emotion that was triggered and the depth of the feelings that were stirred up in me. I took a deep breath in, felt my body give, and felt my entire self let in what it feels like to miss someone you love. I cried. I released. I smiled thinking about her. And then I missed her again.

I thought to myself…

“…I miss you so much. My God. I wish you were here so you could tell me what you’re thinking. About me. About my life. About my decisions. I wonder what you would tell me. What advice you would give me. Would you be proud of me? Would you love my life now as much as I do? I wish my kids could have met you. I wish you could have held them. I want to have tea and peanut butter toast and play Boggle with you again in your kitchen. I want to sneak into your bathroom and put on all of your beautiful lipsticks and perfumes. I have so many memories of you and all of them are kind, full of love, and simply the best. I know you watch over me. I know you are guiding me. But I would trade that all just to talk to you for one day…”

It’s amazing the memories that live in a photograph. The feelings you can feel by simply glancing at an old picture, an old memory instantaneously brought to life again. Those moments frozen in time until suddenly, we thaw them out, we break the ice, and we allow ourselves to feel all the feelings.

And then I saw this magnet, the fourth image that caught my eye…

…And I decided on tea.

: )